encouragement from someone who has been through the fire

Tag: stirrings

  • Level Of Potential

    Level Of Potential

    It has been a few weeks of some deep depression, and it’s been difficult to cling on to any sort of hope. I know that God is there, that He is here. But I can’t see Him, or even be aware of Him a lot of the time. The blessings I have been gifted with are all around: my beautiful,  godly wife; our spacious home in a lovely town, with lots of stunning beaches nearby. From the outside, people must wonder what’s wrong with me. To be honest it’s like that from the inside too. I really don’t know what’s wrong. But every day is a struggle, some just to get out of bed.

    Recently there have been lots of examples when I have had responsibilities to take care of my wife, our home, helping with things. It is all too much a lot of the time. I just withdraw from people, and the awful things that I think they are saying and thinking about me. Intrusive thoughts or actual whispers, I’m not always sure. But they are intense, and they never really leave. Even around friends and trusted colleagues at work.

    The last few days have been slightly easier, I’m getting up out of bed, going to work and trying to do things I enjoy. But the thoughts and other symptoms are still there most of the time.

    I’m not at risk, but often there is no obvious solution, or is it just going to be a long process? How long will it be? At what point does peace of mind and any sort of comfort around people begin? Where does confidence come from?

    People tell me to pray constantly, and to put on the full armour of God. These things I often do, sometimes I forget. But they often make no difference. I’m a believer in Jesus without the basics. Hope, peace, joy. What does that say about me? I don’t doubt that God can and does heal, he has healed me physically in the past. At times I’m not sure he will heal my mind and emotions though. And that’s hard.

    To others going through similar things, I don’t have any real answers. There are things that help, like relaxation techniques, keeping communication open with close friends and family, turning to God with honesty and persistence, seeking professional help, if needed. But beyond treating the symptoms I am not sure where full restoration comes sometimes, it’s a waiting game, like the apostle Paul, some of us have a thorn in our side that we need to live around.

    I think it was the late evangelist, Bob Gass that once said that “…the level of attack only reveals the level of our potential…”

    I guess many people have a huge amount of potential.

  • Solitude

    Recently our church house group has begun studying a practice known as solitude. It is similar to meditation I guess, involving focussing on a few breath cycles, stilling the mind and letting any thoughts pass by. We are trying to focus our attention in a peaceful state on God. We close our eyes and simply wait. The trick is not to try and force or control anything, but simply to be still and wait expectantly. It is initially proving more difficult than I thought it would be. Time moves very slowly. For me, all sorts of thoughts, pictures, stresses and plans swirl around. We have been learning that the trick is not to fight these but simply notice them and move on.

    To be honest, when we were starting to discuss this series, I was highly sceptical of it. Defensive and evasive even. I’m not sure why exactly. It has been developed, in part, by a well-known preacher, John Mark Comer. I trust his teaching and my friends in the group who organised the study.

    Five days in it is not only not as strange as I initially thought it might be, it’s quite exciting. As an introvert I have no issue of spending time on my own. But I’m realising more and more that these moments spent by myself, with closed eyes, open hands and heart, being still and reverent before my King, I’m far from alone.